How I started to Worship Santa

One day, when I was 7, I decided to worship Santa.

It was right after Christmas. I got lots of toys, my own black & white tv, a shotgun and a stud. I named the stud Hogan, after my favorite tv show.

Santa got me everything I asked for, and I didn't even have to pray. For my birthday, I prayed to that cheapskate Jesus, and I never got my dog or gun or pony or anything I asked for.

That Santa really delivered.

I made George take me to the department store. I bought a big mechanical Santa idol on clearance. George carried him up to the third floor and plugged him in. He had a cool motor and gears and stuff that made noise as he waved a friendly wave at me. He nodded his head. I could tell he liked me.

So I set up a shrine.

Over the course of the next year, I moved all of the furniture out. George helped me. Sometimes, George would look at me and just shake his head. I put in lesser dieties and helpers, like Santa's elves, Rudolph, the other reindeer. I had George string bubble lights all around the room.

I put a rug in front of Santa for a prayer mat.

At first, it felt kind of funny, praying to him.

But next Christmas, when I got a color tv, a motorcycle and a go-kart, I knew I was really on to something.

Try to beat that, Jesus!